[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
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[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
How do you like your Corgi?
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
#catsoftwitter
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”