[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
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CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
ACED my prostate exam!
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!