[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
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The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
RT if you could go either way.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media