[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
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Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.