(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
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My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer