*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
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I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
dictator is short for richard potato
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Facebook memories be like
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
so this horse walks into a bar
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Today’s Times
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My kitchen overserved me.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?