@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

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@KalvinMacleod

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

@sensual_dad

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

@mommy_cusses

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

@Darlainky

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

@murrman5

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

@Reverend_Scott

Angel: how will humans start out?

God: small and helpless

Angel: how will they end up?

God: big and helpless

Angel: in between?

God: totally clueless

Angel: what is your deal man?

@KillingJoke

Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?

@ShutUpThatsWho

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*

@Xalqee

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?