[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
You Might Also Like
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
the composer
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.