[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
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A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
When your parents check you’re ok.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive