[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
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Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
🍞🦆
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol