[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
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Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Just got to our Airbnb!
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Oh we’ve met.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
OH. COME. ON.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say