[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
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Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted