[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
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I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*