[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
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IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Thrilling chase underway
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?