[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
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[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.