*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
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date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.