[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
You Might Also Like
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.