[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
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Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait