[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
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One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
How to make infinite energy.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.