[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
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But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out