[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
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Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.