[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
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‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.