*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
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People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera