*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
You Might Also Like
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
HOW DARE YOU
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*