Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.

Well, I WAS having a nice day.

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend

[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.

Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.

Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.