[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
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“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?