-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
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Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that