[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
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can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
put ‘er there pardner!
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Challenge accepted.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer