[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
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Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.