[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
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[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right