[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
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Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Mountain Goat : )
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.