[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
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[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
wish me luck lads
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.