[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
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To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.