[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
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her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
the rocks need my help
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
motivation
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me