[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
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Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!