*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
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Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.