[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
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My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
how do y’all walk in shallow water
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
This raises questions
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool