Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.

But science tells us otherwise.

#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”

Priest: “It’s because of the moon”

Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”

Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger