{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
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My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”