[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
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Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Woke up against my better judgement again
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this