Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right

Guy on subway: what

Me: what

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

ME (calling my horse with no name):

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.

“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only three,” I replied.

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

Just how popey was the pope today?