Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*

Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo

placebo pills? more like sike meds

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.