[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
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{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.