[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
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Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
TWEET CALL
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🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place