[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
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and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Happy thanksgiving
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history