[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
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Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”