First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
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This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Well, my evening plans are ruined
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
m’lady
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?