[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
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“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.