[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
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Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Me in tagged photos
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.