[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
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me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.