[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
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Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*