[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
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Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.