[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
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It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
