@sonictyrant

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

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@lakeanagirl

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

@JoParkerBear

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

@AweShadySome

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

@DanMentos

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

@Feisty_Ginger_6

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

@inojperez

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

@KalvinMacleod

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

@primawesome

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

@Matt_The_1st

<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!

@10InchesPlus

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.