@lakeanagirl Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
@sonictyrant [First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
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@lakeanagirl 
@JoParkerBear It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
@AweShadySome My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
@DanMentos me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
@Feisty_Ginger_6 Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
@inojperez “It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
@KalvinMacleod HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
@primawesome My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
@Matt_The_1st <— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
@10InchesPlus Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.