[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

You Might Also Like


Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.


It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.


My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!


me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine


Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..


“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.


HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye


My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.


<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!


Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.