Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
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It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right
[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
M: he likes music
M: we’re in a band
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.